Twilight Fanfiction Etiquette
by Insanity's Partner
Summary: Everything--And I mean EVERYTHING--there is to know about writing a Twilight fanfiction. I've got it down from Planning, to Summaries, to Grammar, to Other Characters, to Research...and even what to do when you get a writer's block! -Version 3.0-
1. Laying the Foundation

_**Disclaimer:**_ I do not own Twilight, or any of its recognizable characters. I am not Stephenie Meyer, and this list is meant as a commentary and guide to writing a better fanfiction. No offense is intended to anyone; the advice given in this commentary is exactly that: advice. Advice should be taken with reader's own discretion.

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I'm sorry that I couldn't wait the week I promised. So many of you have already read it! So, if you haven't read Breaking Dawn, this is your spoiler alert.

_**Spoiler Alert for Breaking Dawn****!!**_

Well, after Stephenie Meyer came out with Breaking Dawn, it became painfully obvious that much of what was considered impossible is now in canon. (You ALL know what I'm talking about. ;) )

So, I decided it was probably a good idea to update this with all of our new gems of knowledge.

I'm going to start in the place that ALL stories—not just Twilight fanfiction, or even regular fiction—needs to start at:

**(1)**** RESEARCH!**

The Twilight Universe is an intricate one with many impossibilities and rules. Follow the rules to remain in canon. It isn't necessary to remain in canon, but it's always a key recipe for good fanfiction. That doesn't mean that there aren't some good fanfictions that aren't in canon, however.

So, if you haven't read the Guidebook (Which, at time of writing, will be released on December 30th, 2008.) here's basically everything about the Twilight universe you need to write an accurate fanfiction.

First:

**READ THE LEXICON!**

Read _all_ of the Personal Correspondences. You will find _all_ of the little details there. Everything down to what happens when Bella gets her period. (Personal Correspondence 2) (I've seen that idea used in more than five different fanfics, by the way. Don't even think about it.)

Here are a few of the basics that you can find on the PCs:

**1. Child Birth:**

a. The Personal Correspondences made it look like it was impossible for a human to ever become pregnant by a vampire. I think Stephenie did this on purpose to keep us from knowing what would happen. Now that I think back, she didn't ever actually say it was impossible for a male vampire to make a human pregnant, just that it was impossible for a female vampire to become pregnant, and that all bodily fluids are replaced with venom.

Anyway, now…it's in canon for Bella to be pregnant by Edward.

I know. I didn't see it coming either.

That being said, here are the facts:

**A female vampire can never bear children**. When you become a vampire your body is frozen in time, and all bodily fluids are replaced by venom. There is no more menstrual cycle. Your eggs are frozen; thus, no more possibility of children.

A male vampire could spawn children with a fertile female human, but not with a vampire.

Here are some facts about human/vampire children:

-The average time span for the vampire to grow in the fetus is in a few weeks.

-The child will reach full physical maturity in seven years, though the mental maturity will progress much faster than its body.

-The venom is ineffective, though it is possible that it might be effective only in males. This could be related almost to human nature. In humans, the men create what it takes to make the baby…perhaps it is the same in half human/half vampire males.

d. If you turn someone that is pregnant, they will become pregnant for the _**rest of eternity**_. (Personal Correspondence 1) Maybe it's just me, but the idea doesn't seem too terribly appealing.

**2.** **Vampires do **_**not**_** have fangs**. Not here, at least.

a. They do not _GROW_ fangs.

b._ They do not have pre-existing fangs._

c. They do, however, have super sharp teeth. (Personal Correspondence 1)

**3. Eye color:**

When a vampire is changed, their eyes are red for a full year before they change color. (Personal Correspondence 1) (However, according to Breaking Dawn, there's a slight conflict in time estimations. Edward said in Breaking Dawn that after a few months it would turn amber, and then golden. I suppose whichever way you go about it, it doesn't matter anymore.)

a. It is possible for a vampire to use contact lenses to disguise their eye color, but it will blur the sight a little, and the venom will dissolve the lenses after a few hours.

**4. ****Normal vampires are **_**ravenous**_** for **_**several years**_** after being changed**.

a. Bella's aversion to blood makes her an exception. Thus, it **is **canon to whisk her off to college to interact with humans as though nothing has happened. Well, sort of. Not canon as far as personality goes. Unless it's AU, the Cullens would probably remain in Forks unless some outside force drove them away, or until they no longer had any reasons to remain.

**5. ****New Born vampires are stronger than old ones.** Much stronger. (Personal Correspondence 1)

a. I see comments all the time about how Bella would have liked to fight someone off if she wasn't so much weaker. This is complete BS. Bella would be stronger. She would be much stronger than Emmett (Personal Correspondence 5), though I'm not so sure about Felix. This is further shown in Breaking Dawn, by the arm wrestling contest. grin

b. Though, as we've seen in Eclipse, newborn vampires don't have any skill...so it's also easier to outsmart a newborn vampire. In a fight, the more experienced one would probably win.

**6. ****Vampire Abilities:**

"Now, the number of vampires with extra-special abilities (who were "special" when they were human) is disproportionately large (there is a bigger percentage of "special vampires" amongst ALL vampires than there are "special humans" as a percentage of ALL humans). There's a reason for that, too. When vampires are choosing companions, they are drawn to the most special and beautiful of humans." (PC6)

I don't think that that means every vampire you stumble upon will have some sort of unnatural ability. Not all of the Cullens have special abilities. Not every vampire has a special ability.

I'm tired of seeing every vampire Bella comes across as having a power.

a. Another thing...if Bella was going to meet a new vampire family—which is a little bit unlikely; vampires don't usually travel in groups larger than two. V/J/L was actually something uncommon.—I can promise you they won't each be introduced like, "Hi, I'm Sally, and I control water!" and then, "Hi! My name is Joe. My venom is ineffective." and so on and so forth. I think that's kind of uncharacteristic for any kind of vampire. In general, it's a very stupid thing to do, to just tell a total stranger your strength, and potential weakness. It's like sending a three year old up to a strange van with "Free Candy" spray painted on the side so they can be like, "Hi...my name is Jessie, and I'm really good at doing backbends and handstands. I also really like chocolate."

**7.** **Transformation Information:**

The standard amount of time it takes for a full transformation is roughly 3 days. It could take two...it could take four. (PC8)

We only assume it was three because of Carlisle, and his story.

Morphine doesn't seem to have the expected numbing effect, rather it has a paralyzing effect. If you give morphine time to set in, it will only make it impossible for the bearer to move and scream until it wears off. It's sort of like mental torture. I suppose there might be some plus sides, though for the most part it's probably something to avoid if it was known.

**8.** **The Cullens hunt about once every 2-4 weeks.**

I've seen a lot of fanfictions in which the Cullens go to hunt every other day or so.

a. In the first chapter of Midnight Sun (You can read it on Stephenie Meyer's website.) Edward mentions how after two weeks, it isn't immensely difficult to resist human blood. After feeling Jasper's thirst in his mind (Which means it's technically doubled..."twin thirsts.") He can still resist fairly...moderately easily.

b. If the Cullens were to slip up, it would take about two weeks for the blood to go through their system, and have the blood-red color disappear. (PC1)

**9.** **Human Memories:**

I guess a lot of confusion has been made about human memories after the transformation. A lot of people write it so that after you're "born"...it's all gone, and others write it that it takes a long time to fade...others still make it so that it only takes a few years to fade. I think the way Edward said it, he made it seem like there's no way to prevent it. But the fact is, if you have a perfect vampire memory and you think about your human life a lot, it'll stay with you forever. (Q&A, Immogen's version, still under Personal Correspondences)

Here, let me copy and paste the question and answer from the Q&A:

**Doesn't Edward remember what food tastes like?**  
Not really. It's a bit like being five years old, because human memories fade over time, whereas vampire memories are total recall. If someone has a fever or is ill when they are first transformed, they are likely to let human memories fade more quickly. If someone concentrates on human memories in the early days they would have excellent recall of what it was like. This is why Rosalie has a good memory of her human years, because this is something she wanted to hang on to.

b. The main reason the memories fade is because when you become a vampire, all of your senses are sharpened insanely. Your past memories are viewed through senses that are so dull in comparison it's almost incompatible with their newly sharpened mind. It's like going back to VHS, when you've already moved onto HD BluRay. It's like just getting new glasses, and then taking them off again.

Viewing the old memories makes them all blurry at first, but thinking about them will still keep them with you forever.

**10. ****Imprinting:**

We now know, thanks to Breaking Dawn that it's possible for anyone to imprint on anything. I personally think Sam's theory in imprinting was mostly correct, since it explains his bizarre attraction to Bella.

In case you forgot, Sam's theory was thus: It's a natural instinct to preserve the pack and keep it going. You imprint with the person that will make it easiest to continue a blood-line with. Jacob thought he was in love with Bella, but it was really an unconscious pull to the fact that Bella would create the child he would imprint on. He just didn't know it. After the child was gone from Bella's body, the pull to Bella was gone.

At least, I'm pretty certain that's how it works. Stephenie's writing style is that she doesn't include anything that isn't necessary, so that she doesn't confuse herself or forget minor details. I think if it wasn't true she probably wouldn't have included it in the story.

Imprinting, according to the legends, is supposed to be rare, though it's shown that it's much more common than anyone had ever thought.

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So now that we've gotten through those main points (I'm sure the Guidebook will have MUCH more, and will be much more fun to read. ;) ) I'm going to move on to…

**(2) ****GRAMMAR!!**

Please, for the love of all that is good, **PLEASE recognize the use of a spell check.**

Even then, spell check is only the first step. A good author reads, and then re-reads each post before posting.

**1. Real people don't stop and say, in real life, "OMG" or "LOL". At least, most of us don't. **

a. And while some people do, it isn't really acceptable for text. Unless it's specifically in character for the person who says it, don't type "OMG look at that!" or anything like that. If it was in character, it would be better to do it phonetically like, "Oh-Ehm-Gee! Look at that!"

b. If it isn't in character, say something like "Oh My God!" or...well, I wouldn't say "Laugh Out Loud" but just describe it.

**2. Vowels are important.**

a. Ch47s934k was invented for Cell Phones and the people who used them that were too lazy to type in full sentences.

b. You should not use slang outside of dialect, or thought processes.

**3. Parentheses are supposed to be used sparingly when writing a story.**

a. How many times did Stephenie Meyer use parenthesis in any of her books? (Thanks xxAlbinOxx for catching me there, lol.) She used them a few times, admittedly. But she used them tastefully.

b. Please don't say something like: We were standing outside the school, when he took my hand and said, "I really love you, you know." He said, looking deep into my eyes. "I know." I said. And then we went inside the house (We were home, by then.)...

i. That is complete and utter laziness. I've seen this done at least 7 times by now. It's infuriating.

ii. You need to actually write the transaction in the car. Or you can put a break down, but breaks are also to be used sparingly.

**4. You begin a new paragraph every time someone speaks. **

She crossed to the other end of the room, lifting a drink and taking a sip.

"Are you sure?" She asked.

ii. The only exception is when someone is speaking and it's part of a sentence.

She crossed to the other end of the room and paused, before saying, "You had better hope you're wrong."

**5. Breaks!**

a. (As mentioned above) Breaks are to be used sparingly, unless that is the style you're writing, or the way the chapter is designed.

i. If there are too many breaks, the plot line gets very, very confusing.

**6. "If I could cry I would be."**

a. I've seen this done so many times, that it makes me want to hurt myself. WORD IT RIGHT, DAMMIT! That is my biggest pet peeve. "If it were possible, I would have been crying.", is better.

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**(3) ****ADAPT YOUR OWN STYLE!!**

Most people, when they write a fanfiction, it is because they'd been so moved by a story, they just had to continue it, one way or another.

If or when you do decide to finally write your fanfiction, you should reread the book in question many times. I'd read Twilight/New Moon at least 30 times each before finally getting the idea to do fanfictions.

Someone caught me here, and corrected me (Thank you, 8796786568.) if no one wrote like the author, it would all be out of canon.

What I meant to say, was that if everyone wrote the exact same way...well, it would all be the same way. Different people have different styles of writing, and I disagree...you can stay in canon and not have the same style as the author. A good example would be Lilith Filth, if you want to see what I mean.

And I also meant to say that you can't force yourself to write like someone else. That's a fast track to getting a writer's block.

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**(4) ****BE DESCRIPTIVE!!**

This is probably the most important thing about writing anything. I'm sure your English teachers and Language Arts teachers in the part would try to tell you to "Describe all of the senses" and all of that. Well, here's a brief recap: When writing, be descriptive. One of the fanfics I've stumbled across was about Bella being violated by Emmett.

The idea was a little...out there at the time, which is why I read it, but I'll get into being unique in a minute.

I can assure you, Bella's thoughts will not be (And I actually read this:) About Barbie dolls and "Omg I hate this day."

This goes right back to what I said about Grammar.

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**(5) ****BE UNIQUE!**

Okay, I'm sure you've read one of the following fanfics at least more than three times for each one:

1. Bella gets pregnant. (In a pre-Breaking Dawn fashion.)

2. Edward leaves again.

3. Bella leaves Edward.

4. An OC comes to town and tries to separate the dynamic duo.

5. Edward never comes back the first time for X amount of years, comes back to find some vampire chick that looks nothing like Bella, but turns out to be her.

6. AIM/Yahoo/IMVU/Hotmail chatrooms with the Cullens.

7. Anything with 'My take on (Most recent unpublished book.)' in the summary, or some slight variation in words.

8. Bella having a terminal disease.

9. Edward losing Bella, and going to the Volturi and then…SURPRISE! There she is!

10. Alice never seeing Bella jump off the cliff.

11. Victoria changing Bella after Edward leaves.

12. Bella being changed, getting a new lover, and then having Edward show up, jealous.

13. Bella gets her period. Hilarity/lemons/smut ensues.

Yes, well…Though they were fun at first, they have DRASTICALLY taken a turn in the wrong direction. They are tired, old, boring, and make my eyes glaze over just thinking about them.

Please...if you're going to write a fanfiction, PLEASE come up with your own idea; one that hasn't been used more than three times.

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**(6) ****PLAN THINGS OUT:**

I hate reading a story where it's one thing one minute, and then, eight or nine chapters later, you click open the e-mail in your in-box, read the fanfiction that opened in a new window and go, "Huh? What's this?" And you have to go back and re-read the story, before you get Déjà Vu, and realize...HEY! I read this before! Because one minute, Bella's a punk-rocking nut because Edward left her, and the next she meets some guardian angel person and is whisked off to a boarding school in another country. At this point, the author has already changed Bella's name, and introduced so many new characters...and then you aren't even sure if you're still reading a Twilight fanfiction.

Your story will be SO much better if you actually have a plot line. If you know where it's going, there's a less chance of it going on hiatus. Plus, you'll be much more descriptive. When you know what's going to happen, you have the advantage of being able to add all of the extra details that make stories good.

It won't even take you that long. Just sit down with MS Word, or a piece of paper and pen/pencil, and just make a list-like thing. Here's an example:

Bella leaves Edward:

-She agrees to marry him.

-They go on honeymoon.

-She wants him to change her.

-He keeps avoiding it.

-She finally brings it up.

--"Edward." I hissed. "This can't go on. You made a promise. You have to change me.

--"I don't. This conversation is over."

-She gets angry.

--"Wh-what are you doing?" he asked, as I flung the suit-case onto the soft hotel bed, throwing my clothes in it from where we'd packed them in drawers, as we'd expected to be there for a few weeks.

--"I'm leaving." I said, fuming, avoiding his gaze until I finally turned to look at him. If his knuckles weren't white with the tension he created, I probably wouldn't have suspected he cared.

--"Oh, don't give me that look, Edward." I said, going on. "What did you expect? You'd refuse to change me, and I'd have no problem with it?"

--He stepped slowly to me, grabbing the suitcase, and dumping the contents onto the bed.

--"You're not leaving." He said. His voice had a raw, desperate edge to it. I glared at him before trying and failing to shove the clothes back in.

-He tries to stop her.

-She leaves anyway.

-She goes to the Volturi.

-She decides she doesn't want to become a vampire if Edward doesn't want her.

-She tried to leave to go to Florida, but someone tries to stop her.

-They change her against her will.

ETC, ETC, ETC. As you write, you'll find yourself fitting in little conversations here and there, and adding in little details like swapping the character POV, and then adding in little things like "She slammed the door behind her, and I stared at the door, waiting for her to realize she was making a mistake and come back to me. The door didn't move. Something fell off the bed, catching my attention from in the corner of my eye and I snatched it up, holding the soft, dark 

blue sweater in my hands. It was Bella's sweater...my favorite sweater that she owned. My breath caught in my throat. Had she meant to leave it here on purpose? I buried my face in it before lying down on the bed that she and I shared, inhaling deeply, soaking in her scent, hoping her remains would be enough to hold me together until she finally decided to come back.

Because she would come back...right? She would. She had to."

And as you go on, you'll start with the little nit-picky details like:

"As I knocked on the blue door, and then looked down at the welcome mat that read 'Hey, nice underwear.'"

Instead of:

"I knocked, and she answered"...

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**(7) ****STORY FEATURES!!**

**1. Summaries:**

Your summary and review should be something to draw in an audience.

a. I don't know about you, but I don't think that includes "Review and Message!", "r&r" or "Is better than it sounds", "Is worth reading", "More than x hits!!1" or "No flames please".

i. They take up space, and make me want to roll my eyes.

ii. Also, I've noticed that summaries with a bunch of "What ifs" aren't very appealing either. "What if Bella never jumped? What if Edward never came back? What if they kept the girl in the clearing?"

b. Some people, when they run out of space, resort to chatspeak.

i. Ex: Bella grows up and wants 2 have kids w/ another guy.

c. Sometimes people like to try using chatspeak incognito as a typo. Please don't do that. It's still grammatically incorrect. (Someone asked me how I knew that it wasn't really a typo. One of my friends told me that that's what they do when they run out of space. Lol, she probably read this and rolled her eyes at the screen.)

i. 'Bella grws up and wants to have children with another man.

1. It's icky, and makes me want to hurt someone.

d. Nobody wants to hear that you 'suck at summaries'.

i. Please note: Nobody cares how bad your summary is. If your summary is that awful, then use a teaser for your summary instead.

If you run out of space, rework your summary. Shorten something; say something else. You'll get it right eventually.

Some summaries are short and cryptic. You can play the curiosity card. That works well, too.

Or, you could use a teaser. A short sentence taken from somewhere in the fanfiction that will pull your reader in and pique their interest.

**2. Titles: **

I don't know about you, but I've seen some pretty awful story titles.

I don't know what to say, really, except to remind everyone the proper grammar for a story title.

All words need to be capitalized, except for filler words like "the" or "and".

The title of your story is all up to you, but "My version of breaking dawn" is never appealing. Nor is "The cullen's get aIM!"

Try to think of an original title. The title is the first thing your readers see when they're looking at fanfictions. Usually.

**3. Disclaimers:**

Please don't put your disclaimer in your summary.

a. Most people find it easier, just in case they forget. That is just simple laziness.

i. It takes away from the summary. I don't know about you, but I find myself unconsciously skipping over stories like that.

You need to put a disclaimer at the beginning of every chapter. If you forget, go back and put it in, or make sure you include it in the next chapter.

Sometimes people like to make little jokes out of their disclaimers. Those are usually amusing to read, but if it's too long, it increases the odds that the reader will skip your whole author's note if you have one.

"Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, and all of its characters. No copyright infringement is intended." That's really all that's necessary.

**4. Authors' Notes:**

Oh boy. Anyone who's read any of my old stuff knows that I used to love author's notes. That's because I have a lot to say, generally.

Basically, the longer your author's note is, the less likely it is that anyone will read it.

Also, almost everyone hates reading a fanfiction and coming across an author's note in the middle of a sentence, or story. You as the author really shouldn't do that, because it breaks the mood and could even ruin the chapter for the reader.

**DO ****NOT**** PUT AN AUTHOR'S NOTE IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORY.**

Ex: He smiled at me, leaning down to peck my cheek, and then drawing me in for a hug. Though his body was freezing, I'd never felt so warm in my entire life. All too soon, however, he let me go whispering something about getting ready for my mother's third wedding.

I climbed carefully up the stairs, and entered my bedroom, locking the door behind me before turning around and pressing my back to the door. I shut my eyes for a moment, breathing out slowly. I wasn't ready for this, and I probably never would be. Why should I accept her new husband if she would never accept mine?

I let out a slow, ragged breath before I crossed over to my closet, and pulled open the doors. Just as I'd thought, Alice had thoughtfully stocked my closet with clothing I would probably never wear, that she would probably insist that I needed anyway.

I slid a few dresses from one side of the closet to the other, looking for something that I wouldn't feel exposed in before I finally pulled out something. It was a nice little sundress. It was a little longer than knee-length, but because we were in the middle of summer in Florida, it wasn't like I would be cold. It was with some sort of soft blue material that made me smile as I felt it between my fingertips. The neckline was cut a little short, but I wasn't sure I'd mind too much later, seeing that it was almost one hundred and two degrees outside. (AN: i have that same dress bella's wearing Lol) I stripped quickly, pulling the dress on over my head and struggled to reach back for the zipper. It seemed I didn't need to however, as Alice--ever my rescuer--burst in through the door, zipping my dress for me. I didn't bother to ask how she got past the new lock.

(Thanks faux-prada for the reminder, and the example AN.)

**5. Other Characters (OCs):  
**

Sometimes as you write, you will find that you aren't able to get the point across with the characters you are given. So, you make your own.

When writing you own character, you need to get to know it.

1. Develop its personality, treat it like a friend, or a regular human.

a. Stephenie gave the advice first:

i. She said to learn it's favorite foods, what music he/she listens to. Who are his/her friends?

OCs should be used sparingly too. It's like I said before, I was once reading a fanfic, and the author introduced so many new characters and changed Bella's name, that I wasn't even sure it was a Twilight fanfic anymore.

You shouldn't add more than one or two...or if necessary, three or four. You shouldn't have characters that aren't used. I've done that...it just complicates a plot.

Someone said something about that, too. If you're placing your character in a completely different scenario, you need to make it realistic.

Which is true, what I meant was, don't add characters that aren't used. Like if you have a whole soccer team, that's fine. But don't just have six or seven characters that aren't even necessary to the plot line. They just kind of exist in limbo-land.

Someone else said that sometimes, it's better not to force your characters into something they're not. Let them develop their own personality. And while that's okay to do a lot of the time, if it's going to be a major character, it needs to be stable and well plotted. The main characters are what make up the plot line. They need to have a stable persona, or they won't react to the situation...they'll just conform to it. You need a character than can create the plot...not just be in it. (Unless it's a minor character. Then it's not such a big deal.)

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So those are the main things to keep in mind when writing Twilight Fanfiction. This is the second or third time I've revised this, and I'll probably revisit it again, every time she comes up with a new book, and after she comes out with the Guidebook.

So um, Happy Writing everyone! I hope your journey is a fun one!


	2. Causes and Cures

One Hundred ways to get a Writer's Block. (And a few ways to cure one!)

**_Disclaimer:_** This is a humorous list. Please don't actually do anything illegal. Thanks, lol.

1) Watch BOAT LOADS…. No! HOLY CRAP LOADS of television. With LOTS of stupid stuff…. Like South Park…and King of the Hill…and the Simpsons….and NARUTO. ESPECIALLY NARUTO.

2) Listen to heavy-super-goth-death metal. No, not MCR. MCR is fine. MCR is punk. I'm talking, death, you-can't-even-decipher-the-words-because-they're-screaming-too-loud metal.

3) Don't sleep. At all. Ever. Stay up all night.

4) Or if you want to do a double whammy, stay up all night while watching mindless television. That's a sure-fire way to get a writers' block!

5) Smoke pot.

6) Drink. Not water. Alcohol. Buckets of it.

7) Stress out over everything. Did someone park in your parking spot today? Key their car, and then go to jail for it.

8) If you are too young to get alcohol legally (or tried and failed to get It.) drink coffee. The more coffee the better!

9) Smoke cigarettes if pot is unavailable.

10) Smoke everywhere.

11) Especially in non-smoking places.

12) Don't EVER go outside for any reason, EVER. Your BUTT is to sit in three places: The toilet, in front of the TV, in front of your computer.

13) Don't bathe. Bathing is a waste of time when you don't ever go outside.

14) Break up with your bf/gf for no reason.

15) If you don't have a bf/gf, do crazily insane things to get one, and then break up with them for no reason.

16) Why count your blessings when you don't have any? Count your problems instead.

17) Routines. Plan your whole day to the minute. Stick to that routine religiously. Don't deviate from it for ANY reason AT ALL. Not even for a life or death situation.

18) Make sure to fit in PLENTY of time to write your failures.

19) Never let anyone, especially not yourself, off the hook. Ever. This will only lead to bad things.

20) Know your place: #1; Always remember that you are, in truth, only a small unimportant cog in a massive machine that you cannot (No matter how futilely you try.) control.

21) Know your place: #2; always remember that you are, in truth, the center of the universe, and that the very sun and everything and everyone else should revolve around you.

22) Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever meditate. Worry instead. About everything. All the time. Worry about the time. Worry about space, and life. Because worry is meditation carried out by realists.

23) Never laugh about anything, except of other people's misfortune. But only in the presence of others.

24) Junk food will help you lead a rubbish life. Eat it as often as you can.

25) Drink as much Diet Cola as is humanly possible to consume.

26) Always take offence at everything everyone says.

27) Always give advice. Especially to people you don't know, about things you don't know anything about.

28) Recognize that true happiness depends solely on how many material possessions you own. Act accordingly.

29) Shout at people at least twice a day.

30) When you finally get to the writing time you've scheduled, never ever save your work. This way, when it all gets erased, you can get upset about how you've wasted your day's work, and ruined your routine.

31) Then decide to make it a routine to make up for it.

32) If Einstein was correct, and everything was relative, then it's all your parents' fault. Blame them as often as you can.

33) In fact, everything in life is not your fault.

34) Every night, write down all of your problems, then re-read the list three times, while figuring out whose fault it is.

35) Stereotype everyone around you. Then use these stereotypes when talking to these people.

36) Replace all the lights in your house with the overhead strip ones you find in schools and offices. If you can get the ones that flicker; all the better.

37) Buy your shoes one or two sizes too small.

38) Come to terms with the fact that your friends are only enemies that you haven't upset yet.

39) Get in touch with your inner child. Not the one who sees the world with eyes filled with wonder, but the one that sulks, whines, and constantly demands attention.

40) Introduce this child to everyone around you.

41) Get rid of all of your old hobbies.

42) Your new hobbies include writing when you don't feel like it, watching television, and eating.

43) When you do write something, and it absolutely sucks, post it online anyway, then only read the flames.

44) Then post a two word chapter after you've read all of the flames.

45) Those two words are (Bonus points if you can guess it:) FUCK and YOU.

46) If at first you don't succeed: It must be someone else's fault. Find them, and make them pay.

47) 'Don't worry, it may never happen…' Well, that's a lie. It will happen. And with your luck, it will probably happen more than once.

48) When you get bored, find out when all of your friend's favorite TV shows start. Then call them 7 minutes after it starts. Don't get off the phone for any reason.

49) When you ask a woman any question, suggest that she checks with her husband first. This is especially good if you are a woman yourself.

50) Squeeze your toothpaste from the middle. Never replace the cap.

51) Do this especially with your room-mate's/brother's/sister's tubes of toothpaste.

52) Always encourage a fight.

53) Join in that fight after it's started.

54) Encourage other people to join in.

55) When you do get your gf/bf, leave on their message machine that you've missed your period.

56) This works especially well when you're a guy.

57) Then break up with them before they can break up with you.

58) Record the sound of a dentists' drill.

59) If ever you have to go to bed, play it as you fall asleep.

60) Recognize your limitations. Ignore them.

61) Recognize other people's limitations. Remind them what they are. All the time.

62) The best policy: Be honest. All the time. With everyone. About everything.

63) The better policy: Lie. All the time. With everyone. About everything.

64) Fart in very confined spaces.

65) But only if other people are around.

66) Apply for jobs you're absolutely wrong for. Keep the rejection letters and read them whenever you think you might be slipping out of your writers' block.

67) Make a list of all the people who've ever dumped you.

68) Now make a list of all of the people you've ever dumped.

69) Call them once a year and try to restart a relationship.

70) Always write in super small print. It annoys the people who read it.

71) It annoys the people who don't read it.

72) It even annoys the people who write it.

73) It's great stuff.

74) Frown all of the time. Especially when no one is looking.

75) If you ever find yourself laughing at something, go to the bathroom and slap yourself across the face.

76) Tense up ALL your muscles and keep them that way for the whole day. If this proves impossible, then it's just another thing you've failed at.

77) Buy something super expensive, and then call around to see that you could have gotten it for cheaper. Stress over that. Remind yourself about it every time you look at this item.

78) Buy fresh fruit and watch it rot.

79) Leave them there after they've rotted.

80) Buy small expensive things that are easy to lose.

81) Buy large expensive things, and then find ways to lose them.

82) Never, ever garden.

83) Remember: Everyone in the world is out there to screw you over. Don't you dare forget it.

84) Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER EVER EVER EVER cry. Ever.

85) Burn all of the plants in your house.

86) Clouds do not have silver linings. They have lead linings.

87) Which means all of our water is polluted.

88) Drink coffee and alcohol instead.

89) Change is bad. Never change anything. Ever.

90) Become a politician.

91) Give your younger sibling espresso and a kitten. Oh the joys they'll find.

92) Never, ever, ever get a pet.

93) Always have the last word.

94) Make it better by making the last word 'dickhead'.

95) Make a list of why you don't have a bf/gf. Include every negative thing about you.

96) Read it on Valentine's Day.

97) Paint the walls of your room black.

98) Watch depressing movies all the time.

99) Keep the lights on at all times. Especially when it's light outside.

100) Buy heavy drapes to go on your windows. It'll keep the natural light away.

Okay, how NOT to get an Authors' Block: Scroll up to where it says '100 ways to get a Authors' Block' then do the exact opposite of everything on the list. Lol, just kidding.

Okay, to GET RID of an authors' block: Find some good calming music. No death metal. Enya works nicely. Reread Twilight/New Moon if you're a fast reader. Or just read your favorite parts for inspiration.

Stop watching television for a little while. Television just fogs your mind with junk. You can watch your favorite movie...but not television.

Get a good night's sleep. Drink some of your favorite tea. (I like the White Island Mango and Peach tea, that I /think/ is made by Nestle.)

Stop drinking Diet Cola (Or any kind of Diet soda.) Diet Colas and drinks have different chemicals in them that can cause the chemical balance in your brain to shift. This is especially bad if you are--or may be--bi-polar. It can cause authors' block, as well as anger and depression. (Haha, look at me sounding all PhD-ish.)

If you have a hobby (One that _doesn't_ pertain to the internet.) like knitting, intsrument playing, sewing, or anything that involves crafting something with your hands, I suggest that. Those generally help me when I'm in the slums.

Try going outside. Fresh air can work wonders for a muddled mind. I suggest taking your mp3/cd player and going out somewhere outside that you can just sit and close your eyes and meditate. Just think of an image, and hold it in your mind for as long as you can. Aim for about 5 minutes. Lather, rinse, repeat. Breathe deeply. It helps to clear your mind.

Speaking of lather, rinse, repeat, take a nice loooong bath. Not shower. Bath.

That ought to help a little. Hope you enjoyed it!


	3. Smoothing the Wrinkles

**_Disclaimer:_** Everything stated in these chapters are advice that is to be taken at the reader's own discretion. Which means...it's just advice. If you don't agree with what I'm saying, then that's fine. It's only advice.

* * *

Well, I'm proud of all of the positive feedback I'd received. A lot of constructive criticism, (Which I live for.) and people who pointed out my mistakes (Which I'm glad they did; when you fix them, you look like less like an imbecile.) and mostly just positive feedback in general. I don't think I got any negative feedback.

I don't think I'd ever gotten such long reviews before. I really enjoyed them. Reading reviews is every author's favorite part of writing. Some were longer than one or even two pages long!

Which brings us to the topic of this chapter:

Reviews: Writing them, and receiving them.

I was on a forum here, when someone told me about how nobody ever receives constructive criticism.

And they're absolutely right. There are basically three types of reviews on this website:

Positive Ones: Praise, gushing. And the typical 'OMG I love your story SOOOOOOO MUCH!'

Zombie Ones: 'update soon.' Need I say more?

Flames.

Now, in a typical functioning fanfiction site, there should also be constructive criticism; mistakes pointed out by the brave souls who want to help the author improve.

Here, there is no constructive criticism. Well, there is _some_ constructive criticism, but it's usually disregarded, or the author is too soft to recognize it, and immediately dubs it a flame.

There is a _fine line_ between flames and constructive criticism. A flame is a downright hateful or insulting review that can hurt someone's feelings, and is purposed in discouraging the author from continuing, or even writing at all.

Flames are downright rude, and inappropriate for writing at all.

The only time it is really acceptable, is if the author flat out says that they want flames.

Actually, I once was reading a fanfiction, and the author contested us to flame as best we can, and the most creative flame would win.

I won. ; )

Regardless, if you do decide to do constructive criticism, it needs to be friendly.

I was reading a fanfiction I really liked, and the author had poor grammar, and used fangs frequently…I kept expecting someone to say something, but I guess not. So I decided to let her know, as well:

'Hi, I like your story, but you should know that Stephenie's vamps don't have fangs. And I think you should work on your grammar a little. Commas, apostrophes, and capital letters are important too—don't forget that.

I really like your story though, don't get me wrong.

Smiley faces in general are good for sending the message across that what you are writing is not a flame.

Now, on the same forum as before, the same person posted a link to the most insulting, effective (For making someone feel awful.) flame I'd ever seen in my life. It wasn't for Twilight, but it does make a good, superfluent example of what NOT to post.

Frankly, if you can write and it's this creative, then you should spend less time flaming and more time writing.

Here, I'll even copy and paste it in. Though, just to warn you…it is kind of degrading. It made me laugh hysterically, though I kind of felt bad about myself after reading it.

_"The following review has been submitted to[title omitted  
Chapter: 1_

From: (Anonymous )

You fornicator. You fornicating little maggot. Don't you know that you are pathetic? You worthless bag of filth. As we say in Texas, I'll bet you couldn't fornicate piss out of a boot with instructions on the  
heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather fornicate a lawyer than be seen with you.

You are a fornicator and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel sodomized just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you. You are a bloody nardless fornicating twit protohominid chromosomally aberrant caricature of a coprophagic cloacal anal parasitic pond fornicator and I wish you would go away. 

_  
You're a putrescence mass, a fornicating vomit. You are a spineless little sodomizer deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a camel, a Weasley. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour dick._

You are a bleating fool, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

If you aren't an idiot, you made a world-class effort at simulating one. Try to edit your writing of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, Byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, abrasive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally Not Good." 

Well, I don't know who wrote it…but I don't even know how it's possible to for a fanfiction to be THAT terrible. I'm fairly certain the writer of this flame was deliberately targeting the author. The author herself said she didn't mind, and that she just laughed it off.

I almost wasn't sure whether or not I should put all of it in, or just pieces of it, but I thought that it would be better if you guys got the full gist of it. Part of it was for people who take constructive criticism as flames. Now, I don't think anyone who receives a flame will ever be able to look at it as seriously ever again.

Here are some brief rules of writing and reading reviews:

1) Be nice! Insults are never fun.

2) Don't be rude! When you're rude, the author is more likely to ignore what you write all together; this will only result in angering the author.

3) Try to use proper grammar. I say this for everything you do. It's appropriate to use used relaxed conversation in your reviews—it's _only _a review. It doesn't have to be completely serious. But I still think you should promote good grammar in everything you do. Plus, I don't know about you, but when I see a review that resembles "omg i luv ur fic but i think u should make longer chapters," it makes me want to roll my eyes and look away.

4) I don't know if this is something everyone receives, but I've gotten a few reviews where it's positive, but in all caps. It might just be me, but it kind of makes me draw back a little...as if someone is shouting at me through text. "I LOVED THIS CHAPTER SO MUCH BELLA IS SOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY!!! UPDATE SOON PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!"

5) Don't post a review if it's only two or three words long. If you have nothing to say except 'update soon', then don't review at all.

When I read reviews, "update soon" does the exact opposite of making me want to update soon. It makes me stall, if anything.

Reviews are for you to praise, or unpraise.

If there's a mistake at all…fix it. Tell them about it.

Although, some people might be annoyed if you review just to tell them that they didn't capitalize "I" in the third paragraph, sixth sentence.

Most people would rather someone tells them that they made a big mistake than let it sit there, for everyone to see.

Reviews are every bit as important as the original story. They keep the writers on their toes, and make them better. If all you ever post is 'i love this fic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11' then, well…it isn't helping.

I'm not saying you shouldn't post it. But try to find more creative ways of saying you love something.

Good reviews make good writers. We all want to read good fanfictions….so you should write good reviews.

And…I guess that's about it.


	4. Renouncement

Given some of the flames I received, I decided to edit this Author's Note.

I'm renouncing my Twilight Fandom for several reasons.

The first being that everyone has noticed the quality of her books taking a massive downward spiral. I think to her, it's becoming like trying to squeeze water out of a rock.

I'm not going to pretend I didn't like Twilight and New Moon, but enough is enough. I'm not going to say I didn't like Breaking Dawn, but if I was being honest with myself, I'd have to say I enjoyed laughing it it much more than I enjoyed reading it.

The second reason is that Stephenie Meyer's book got leaked all over the internet, and now she's whining and crying, "Oh, I cannot go on!"

As if it's never happened before. Seth MacFarlane was pissed when The Family Guy Movie had a massive leak a few days before it was released, but he didn't just pull the plug and cry, "You hurt me so badly! I can never give out my manuscript to you random shady-looking people if you're all just going to leak it!"

Frankly, it's her fault for giving it out in the first place.

I also feel like there's a pretty good chance that she leaked it herself. She said that her first impulse was to not continue, and then she assured everyone that it was only on hold, but that's a lie. She put the draft on her website for everyone to read. As long as it's there, she can't publish it because it would violate her copyright. She knows this. That was the reason she couldn't post the first chapter of Breaking Dawn on her website.

To me, that shows that she has no intent at all to publish it for as long as it's on her website. And even if she did still intend to publish it, she wouldn't have kept the book on her website so everyone could continue reading it. She would have taken it off in the hopes of keeping things from getting any worse.

She says, "But to end the confusion, I've decided to make the draft available here after _Midnight Sun_ page). This way, my readers don't have to feel they have to make a sacrifice to stay honest."

I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but you can't find the leak anymore. Every single leak has been eliminated. If she didn't want her readers to read it, all she would have to do is keep it off of her site. Her readers wouldn't have to sacrifice anything because they wouldn't get the chance to see it.

On top of that, she's directing the Jack's Mannequin video...when did this happen? Did anyone see what they had to say about this? "No, there won't be any vampires, but there might be some mermaids."

_How are they letting her _do _this?!_ Has she brainwashed them or something?

I think everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I'd love to hear what you have to say.

-Val (Insanity's Partner)


End file.
